The Past

When I decided to start a new blog in WordPress, I was determined to leave my old blog alone. You know, new publisher, start afresh, the whole nine yards. I even thought of starting new topics straightaway.

Yeeah, never happened. I ended up moving all of my old writings to this blog, and haven’t written anything else ever since. Well, until now. And I haven’t told anyone else about my new blog, so I doubt there’s anyone out there who reads my blog, except for my brother and his friend (whose blogs are both exceptional). I don’t really mind though, since I write for the sake of writing itself, and conventional diaries are so, well, conventional. But of course it’d be great to have people occasionally read my blog. After all, that is the reason it is being published, innit?

Anyways, the concept of starting fresh has never really been my forte. Though it is not something that’s easy to do in the first place. I have stumbled upon reasons through out my life to do so: moved to a different city, a different country, breaking up with exes. But somehow my past always haunts me. Well, maybe ‘haunt’ is not the right word. See, I have a tendency to cling to the past. Not so much now, as I have learned to change. I often wonder what makes ‘the past’ so enticing. Perhaps because ‘the past’ seems like a whole different dimension I no longer live in. It has passed, therefore it is neither challenging (like the present), nor it is intimidating (like the future). It is simply missed. Hence the term: the good ol’ days.

I recall an interesting paper called The Unreality of Time (Author’s Introduction) written by J.M.E McTaggart that analyzes the flow of time. As opposed to popular perception of time moving forward -from past, to present, to the future-, McTaggart argued that events seem to be ordered in time and that time’s passage can be understood in terms of events moving from the future to the present to the past, and that time was not a real thing in the physical world. If we assumed everything began with nothingness, an event naturally began by being a future event, after each moment it became a nearer future, moments later it became the present, and respectively, the past. Finally, once an event became the past, it will remain there forever. Oh how I wish that was true. In my romantic/melancholic world, a metaphysic theory seems so absurd.

I’m sorry, you’ll have to excuse my tendency to digress :) Anyways, let’s just assume my life is a journey, and I -as the traveler- have been going from one destination to another ever since I was born. Since I was not born yesterday, I came to this moment bringing baggages. Baggages inundated with things I did not let go, things I wanted to let go but wasn’t able to, things too good to leave behind, things too bad to forget, things I’ve picked up along the way, things that might be useful for my future journey. I have to remember though, that without those baggages, I travel light, but my journey might turn out to be less interesting. Ultimately, I am the one who decides what to or not to bring. So, come to think of it, perhaps holding on to the past is not all bad after all.

A Certain Kind of Enlightenment

Yesterday night I couldn’t sleep so bad, no matter how hard I tried. So, after too many desperate attempts, I sat down in front of my laptop to find some things to do, and I spotted one of my friend went online on ym. He just got a girlfriend, and I haven’t had the chance to chat with him for quite some time. So I decided to say hi, and there I was, at 4 in the morning, throwing questions at him. When I first knew him, he had just gotten out of a relationship, badly wounded. He then went skeptical about girls, more, he loathed them. So when I first heard that he got a girlfriend, I wanted to know more. :) After 2-‘brb’s and a couple of scribbles using ‘Doodle’ later, it turned out that he was in love. I was happy for him, sincerely, but I also said some pretty nasty things, only because I didn’t want him to be back in the same shit hole he was in. And to my astonishment, his response to all my skepticism was: “Do you know that you frightened me with your words? If I were to get hurt, I’ll get hurt. But in the meantime, just let me be happy and enjoy whatever that is I have now”. On that exact moment I knew.. he was right. I paused. Then I couldn’t help but smile and said to him: “:) I know. I’m sorry. I’m happy for you.”So I’m thinking, if someone had hurt him so much before, and he could get out alive and be an optimist again, then why can’t I?

(This waiting thing is probably nothing. Like I said, I whine too much. I’m just gonna enjoy my desperation while you’re gone :) so that when you’re back, things would be so sweet they couldn’t get any sweeter.)

Sssshhh..

I’m in helluva things to do. I’m in the middle of two weeks later. I’m in(side) a goddamn slow mind with a heartbeat that’s going faster. I’m in the chill that feels annoyingly hot. I’m in the minimal techno beat surround, that’s so ravishingly insane. I’m in a different dimentia. I’m in the clouds. I’m in the scenes that jump here and there in my brain, faster than you can say “gdmfsob”. I’m in hell. I’m in heaven.

I, my friend, have landed on the sun.

Déjà vu

The term “déjà vu” (French for “already seen”, also called paramnesia) describes the experience of feeling that one has witnessed or experienced a new situation previously (Wikipedia.org).

Yeah. I’m feeling it. I know this. This is the exact same thing I felt when I took that goddamn Publicity unit during my first degree. Everything’s killing me right now. I have to stay at the uni library until closing time every single day! And this fever’s not exactly helping. I’m sick of it. I want this to be OVER. But on the other hand, when it’s over, it means that my term is over, too. And I can’t be together with my classmates anymore. Worse.. I actually will have to face real life! Shit, I took Masters to postpone real life. But now it’s here. I can’t believe it’s ending soon.

I want spring break. I want never ending parties with endless booze. I want to work for some PR agency in London, while living with my friends, and we all could have a fabulous life together.

And now I’m stuck in this déjà vu called hell.

(To MAPRP Class 2006/2007: I love you, darlings! Let us spring out from this madness!)

Wishful Thinking

It only took me a second to realize that the moment I was in was unquestionably perfect. It felt right. It was all I ever wanted. And how I didn’t want to let that moment go. I wanted time to stop, just for a little while longer, so I could capture the feel of that moment and frame it – a desperate attempt to make something to last forever.

But even as I was thinking, at the same time I know, the moment has already gone.

Letting go has never been my specialty in life. I have a tendency to stick to some things that I love. Maybe everyone else does, too. So you can understand, that it is really HARD to let go, to drag ourselves out of the comfort zone we’ve built. But life is happening right now. It doesn’t wait for us to be ready. It’ll pass by, with or without us. Knowing that already, still I feel like clinging to certain moments in life. Or maybe I am scared, to the uncertainty of the future. Changes can be terrifying, because they give you surprises. Damn, I really want to feel excited about ‘the unknown’. Oh, maybe I do, or at least I will, in time. Or maybe, it’s not the possibilities of the future that I am afraid of, it’s the transition. You know, there’s always transition everytime one thing is changing to another. And take my word, transitions aren’t usually good. They are those times when you are out from your usual comfort zone, but still struggling to fit in the new one.

Shit.. Why do I even think of things that haven’t even happened yet? I should just enjoy, cherish the moment, etc crap like that. Hhh, I don’t really know. Maybe I’m just preparing for the expected to come. Or, when it comes to letting go, who knows.. maybe I will never be ready. But it is comforting to know, that someday, when everything has passed, I will still have the memories of moments like these.

In the dark,
in a certain kind of heat,
with a certain smell of skin,
there was a face,
hard but fragile, roughly delicate.
I laid there and rest,
holding my breath,
afraid I would ruin what was perfect,
and I gave in to the beauty that will be no more.
(4.18 AM, next to you.)

PAUSE

It was a pause. Yet, an unordinary one. Silent from the outside, but as you got closer, you could slowly hear the bass, the beat, and finally.. the roaring sound of winter madness. Yes, indeed. It was a dangerous pause. It could make a sentence -or even a short story- seem dull, yet -at the same time- intriguing; it could scratch a vinyl in motion, left you gawp in awe, and still, you couldn’t help but wonder.

And it did.

As THE goddess of my own script, I determine my scenarios, my scenes, my lines.. and my pauses, be it dangerous or not. As selfish as it may sound, I solemnly realize that in the production where I am the star, the world does revolve around me.

And maybe this time, along the way, blinded by the lights; deafened by the volume; melt by the heat.. I forgot to glance back, and have failed to realize that what I gained is not worth what I’ve lost.

But if this is what I deserve..

so be it.

The Luxury of Drinking Chai Latte: A Lesson

I guess I never learn from my mistakes. Once, I spent money so much more than I ever should: 6 months of living large, traveling, never thought twice about spending any amount of money, WHICH led me to 18 months of doing nothing (well, not really), but I had to force myself to be creative in order to stay alive, and to think positively, as an outcome for that, now I have a theory that: “All you need in life are friends. When you have friends, you could live, no matter how hard life is”.

But now I’m in England. I’m telling you, it’s not a very good idea to spend 3-months-in-advance money your Dad sent you -altogether- on the first month. Not to mention the credit card bill that made him hit the roof when he saw it (and yeah, I got him yelling on the phone at 8 in the morning while I was still half-asleep).

And earlier, I even thought twice to buy Chai Latte from Nero (which is so good, you have to try it sometime). I was strucked by the bitter reality. How sad, I should’ve done my lesson years ago. But well, c’est la vie, right? What goes around must come around. Now all I have to do is just sort things out, find a way to continue living until the new transfer, and swear on my life that I’m not gonna make the same mistake again.

Letting Go

Things happened. And then they passed, just like that. Amazing. And I’m amazingly stupid if I don’t wanna let go. It’s been one of the biggest problems I have. And I kept asking myself THE question: why? Why is it so hard for people –including me- to just simply let go of things? Why do I still wanna stick to this part of my life? It wasn’t mine in the first place, anyway. So why the hell should I worry? Worrying about things is such a waste of time. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t mind wasting time. But the problem is I don’t have time. Not right now, at least. So maybe, all I have to do is free my mind. Let go of all the things that have happened. Yesterday is an illusion, and tomorrow is just a hope. What you have is NOW. Live it, cherish it to its tiniest part, and when you wake up tomorrow.. forget all about it. Only then can each single moment become a different reality.

 

(One week before leaving for Bournemouth)

 

Latest Destination

I had one blog and a lot of random places I wrote on prior to this blog. But I have decided to incorporate all my writings into just this one. Note that the old posts pasted to this blog will have the same date (dated per today).

Here goes.

Me and the World (of Warcraft)

Name: Erinnyes
Faction: Horde
Race: Undead
Class: Mage
Specialization: Arcane
Level: 70
Stat: 7.9k hp, 9.1k mana, 2.5k crit, with an awfully low resilience of only 47 atm, soon to have epic PVP gear (I hope :D)
Guild: Legion of Fate

So this is what I have been doing lately.. no wait, scratch that. This has been my world lately.. Warcraft. For you who don’t know what World of Warcraft is, it’s an MMORPG (Massive Multiplayer Online Role Playing Game). Okay, I know what you’re thinking here.. and yes, I plea guilty. I got sucked into it, I was only trying to see what the fuss was all about at first and the next thing I know, not a damn day goes by without me playing it (with my boyf, of course.. he’s the one who dragged me into it, so it’s basically his fault). I have to admit the game is highly addictive, but only for plenty of good reasons. I could describe them one by one, but one can’t possibly understand unless he/she has tried to play the game.

To start, you need to choose a faction, Horde or Alliance. Then choose a race, sex, and class. After that, there’s no end to it, you will need to do quests in order to earn XP (experience) points and reputation, which will bring you to a higher level. You’d be eager to get one level higher each time; you will want to learn new spells and abilities every 2 levels (until level 60, and each level after that until 70); you’d have two professions from which you’d earn gold (and from selling items you loot); the game even has its own Auction House, like eBay! Besides that, you can do Battlegrounds to play against other players. In a PvP (Player versus Player) realm, you are automatically in war with your opposite faction.

In terms of mounts, when you reach level 40, you get to learn a riding ability which will enable you to buy a mount (that gives you a 60% bonus speed). In level 60, you get to buy an epic mount (that gives you 100% bonus speed), and in level 70 you get to buy a flying mount! But that’s not all, you could even buy a Swift Flying mount, so you can fly, but with 280% bonus speed. Damn the list is endless.In WoW, the chance for you to be anti-social is pretty slim. Well, you can be, but you won’t be half as good as other players, cause they give you group quests, raid quests, even dungeons which you can’t possibly pawn on your own.

There are also loads of guilds in it that you can be a part of. So I do make friends. There’s even this one kid who’s being utterly dependent on me and Tez (Hudi’s char). Plus, the best part for me is to be given the chance to “dress” the character with multiple choice of qualities, designs, and specifications gears. It’s INSANE, I’m telling you. Yet, it’s also the most genius idea ever. In this world, you can do things you can’t do in real life, you can go places you don’t even imagine you’d go (even only virtually), you can be whoever you want regardless of who you really are outside it. Sound like a buch of ol’ (virtual) lies? Probably. But ah, who gives a damn?

“Will I lie to myself to be happy? … Yes, I will.”
(Leonard Shelby, Memento)

All hail mighty Blizzard.