An homage to Philip K. Dick
PROLOGUE
His name was Adonai, but everyone called him Ade. Striking and ambitious, Ade was the alpha and the omega.
I
In Name, Lies Power
Shakespeare once wrote “what’s in a name”. But much long after his era, people have already forgotten that once famous sentence, or who Shakespeare was for that matter. The belief was that names had the powers to contribute certain characteristics to a person, which was why it was imperative for parents to search for and decide the right name for their child-to-be. Ade’s parents’ expectation was for their son to grow up to be either one of two things: a reflection of the ancient God—knowledgeable, powerful and just, or an extremely attractive, youthful male who dedicates his life for earthly pleasures. His parents were more spiritual than religious, they believed more in carnal pleasures than they did the ancient God; that one should live in search of pleasure in order to have a fulfilling life. They also believed their son had the right to choose his own path and beliefs, so it didn’t matter whatever they were because his parents were certain that, with this name, their son would have grown up fine either way.
As it turned out, Ade grew up to be both of those things.
Ade was fair, kind, had a strong presence, and strikingly beautiful. He always had a deep interest in the spiritual world, but chose to not believe in God as he refused to believe in something he could not fully comprehend. If he decided to believe or not to believe in something based on faith and faith alone, it would have involved him either creating the object of his belief, or rejecting an idea without concrete evidence, in this case: God, and he did not want that. He believed that men should challenge everything and try to find the answers themselves. Men should make things happen instead of waiting for things to happen for them. Men, above anything else under the powers of the Universe, should be the rulers of the earth.
II
Men: Rulers of the Earth
And thus spoke Zarathurstra: “But we have no wish whatever to enter into the kingdom of heaven: we have become men — so we want the earth.”
– Friedrich Nietzsche
Science, in Ade’s era, was like religion to humankind many years ago. Religions slowly vanished not long after men found the ultimate component to power: immortality. Scientists found a way to replicate the heart, using bio-synthetic components to imitate its functions, and made it work harmoniously with the human bodies. To keep the brain intact, they created an advanced skull replacement to keep the head safe from any hard crash, and soon after, invented a nootropic drug to enhance brain functions. The immortality procedure requires a minimum age of twenty four. It prevents the aging of the physical body, causing it to stop at whatever age the subject underwent the procedure.
Needless to say, men waited for nothing to establish themselves as rulers of the earth.
Of course, not everyone could have had the luxury to be immortal. It required a highly-advanced and costly procedure that can only be conducted by a handful of appointed teams of doctors and scientists. All procedures were to be approved and sponsored by the government. There were only two ways people could undergo the procedure: either by being outstanding enough to be chosen by the government, or submitting their application–be one among the countless applicants and wait until the government grant their application. Following the procedure, the immortals were marked with a designated barcode on the back of their necks. They then were tied under a contract to work for the government for at least twenty five years or longer depending on their area of expertise. Most of them were assigned in administrative positions, military, police departments, research and science, advanced education, medical science, or city planning and construction development. The rest were spread in other sectors. For all the obvious reasons, the government only chose the best of the very best people to serve the country.
Ade was a man of knowledge – but more than that, he was curious. He was curious about a lot of things, and the one thing he was really curious of, was to become immortal. And so Ade applied for the procedure following million others. But unlike most of them, his application was granted. Ade underwent the procedure and was placed in the Advanced Education sector.
Ade was quick to climb the career ladder. He was brilliant, smart, and quickly crafted his way to the top. He spent five years as a Junior Lecturer before he got promoted to Senior Researcher, and another eight years until he became the Head of Research Department. In just thirty-two years, Ade was in charge of the whole Advanced Education department. Thirty-two years might seem like a long time to mortals, but the way you perceive time will change when you get to live forever.
Brilliant and handsome, Ade was treated like how any man would want to be treated: respected by his fellow men, adored by women. Ade was focused and driven, almost robot-like. He spent most of his time working, and what was left of the rest to satisfy his basic carnal needs. He had this incredible hunger of knowledge; the more he knew about things, the more dissatisfied he got. He worshipped science but at the same time believed there were bigger things out there, things human beings cannot comprehend, like some transcendental meaning to life. He made this his ultimate goal: to understand everything, things others weren’t capable to fathom.
The only thing Ade failed to realise was that all things had their price, and everything was a lot to pay for.
III
A Day in Time
It was more than just a typical beautiful day when Ade met Thy for the first time: the sun was shining bright, the sky was blue, and the grass was at its greenest colour. Everything was so beautiful it was as if the whole thing was an image ripped from a fairytale book and pasted onto reality.
Ade was sitting alone on the dock at the lake staring on the glimmering surface of the water, when he suddenly heard a soft voice coming from behind him, “This view reminds me of a painting I once saw in my dream”. Startled, Ade turned his head around to see the owner of the voice. He saw someone coming towards him, but he couldn’t see clearly as the sunlight was coming from behind her, making her body appeared as a slender silhouette-esque figure. As she grew nearer, he saw it. A face so angelic. And on it was the prettiest and most innocent smile Ade had ever seen in his life. As he saw the whole of her, a weird, almost nostalgic, feeling hit him. In those few seconds, everything felt just.. right. The Universe was in sync. It was as if his whole life was paved towards this exact moment, sitting on this dock at this very lake.
He dismissed that feeling as soon as it came.
The woman casually took the spot next to him and landed both her palms on the surface of the dock.
“I’m Thy”, she said, offering her hand.
“I’m Ade”, he replied, shaking her hand without hesitation.
Smiling, she asked, “So Ade, what are you doing out here all alone?”
That smile is so arresting, he thought while quickly replied, “No reason. This is my first time here, actually. I was driving pass the area, saw the lake, and thought I’d stop for a minute.”
Thy paused and stared at the lake for a moment. The sunlight softly hit the parts of her face not covered by strands of her long hair, blown by the wind.
“Do you see that house over there?” she suddenly asked while pointing a finger to a white house across the lake, and continued, “That’s where I live.”
“Must be nice living here,” said Ade. “I live in the city. It knows no such thing as peace and quiet.”
“Ooh. I can’t stand the city. Everything’s so grey, don’t you think? Unlike here… You can see colours everywhere.”
For a moment Ade stopped to think, and nodded to himself when he realised there was truth in that statement.
They both stared at the calm ripples on the water before Thy broke the silence. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to be nosy.. but I saw the barcode behind your neck.”
“Yes.” Ade replied shortly, without intending to fish a follow-up question.
“I don’t think I’ve ever met an immortal before. How does it feel?” Thy asked innocently.
Ade was just about to retort how does what feel before suddenly Thy continued, “It must be really boring, to live forever.”
That sentence felt like a hard slap on Ade’s face. Out of every adjective ever sprung to his head about being immortal, boring was not one of them. He loved being able to live forever. Intrigued, he asked: “How so?”
“Well.. You get to live for–ever. How is that not boring? Life must be so different than what it used to be. You’re no longer in a rush. I bet nothing is as special anymore.”
Ade could have replied with a long list of things he could do as an immortal, but his mind was busy dissing a small part of him that agreed to that assumption.
They spent the entire afternoon talking about random things, about colours and music and the clouds and love and life and death and cities and childhood and grandmothers and Chopin and Philip K. Dick and planets and long forgotten dreams… In a weird, unusual way, Ade wished time would have stopped for them, because he was curious, never had he felt anything remotely close to what he was feeling then.
The moon was up high in the starry sky by the time they were done talking, and by then, Ade felt closer to Thy than he ever felt to anyone in his entire life. Never had being himself—at the presence of someone else—felt so easy. Never had a woman stricken him like the way Thy did. Before this day, Ade saw women as mere objects to satisfy his needs. It wasn’t very nice, but at least it was honest.
So when it was time for him to go, Ade chose his words carefully, lest he’d never see this amazing creature ever again. “Hey, listen. This is going to sound weird, but I just have to say it..” He hesitated for a second, but then spilled what he had the urge to say under one breath: “I like you. But I don’t just ‘like you’ like you. It’s like an ancient feeling. Like I’ve slept for so long, and woke up realising that I like you, and I have been for a long time.” Thy paused for a second, then let out a little laugh. “You’re weird,” Thy said, “but I like weird. Weird is good.” Ade sighed, smiled, and said his goodbye.
IV
Ade and Thy
Days turned into months, months turned into years, and years turned into an extended stretch of time.
It’s like hearing a prolonged intro of a speech, you wonder and wonder whether the speech itself has started.
It’s like being inside a frame and there’s no possible way for you to see the big picture from where you’re standing.
It’s like going to the right events for too many right reasons, but everything still feels out of place.
It’s like your mind is playing tricks on you; how when the present dies and becomes the past, what was once vivid becomes nothing more than a blurry image, tiny fragments of what was once whole.
Just like the way crumbs are for cookies, scenes are for movies, words and sentences are carried in time as leftovers of a long thread of conversations.
*
He caught a glimpse of her from afar and suddenly felt nervous. As she got nearer, she smiled, and said, “Hey.” He smiled back and kissed her cheek.
*
He had his back facing her. It was a chaotic night. She hugged him from behind then said: “I love you.” All his nerves went into chaos, and what he really wanted to say was I love you, too, but he was so scared of the inevitable, he let go of her arms and got out of the bed.
*
Her voice broke the silence. “It’s so quiet in here. It’s so quiet I can hear my heart thump.”
“That’s because you’re the only one here left with a heart.”
“Perhaps. Tell me, Ade. Do you believe in fate?”
“I used to. That everything happens for a reason. Then years passed by. Terrible things constantly happened, and I grew cynical. Believing in fate meant accepting the fact that things were predetermined or planned by a greater power and I didn’t like that. Then I read this old book called The Alchemist. I loved it so much I started to believe that if I want something bad enough, the whole Universe will conspire and help me. Now I still believe in the power of the Universe, but not so much that I need it to do things for me. After a while I felt the need to have more control over my own life, so I started to believe that I make things happen. There is no such thing as coincidence or fate– even so, these things, these instances, still appear like some bad omen. I can believe whatever I want, science may have improved over the decades, yet inexplicable things still happen, things beyond my control. Like you. You, happened to me. I love you, Thy. Whatever love means.”
*
“Things are going to change, big time,” she said, thinking about her big move to the city to live with him. “Promise me you won’t change.” He retorted, “I promise.”
*
“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to be mad.” She sounded more tired than apologetic after hours of crying. “Maybe I’m just not used to the new city life routines. I should be.”
He too was tired after hours of fighting so he didn’t say anything, but he silently agreed: she had to get used to it.
*
“Dinner’s ready. Don’t you want to eat something?” she asked like she did every other day, while glancing at the books he’s busy studying on the dining table. Only three seconds later did he respond, “I’m working.”
*
“Here’s the truth, Thy. I’m not happy, and not sure if I ever will be. This isn’t something I can pass through, get over – this isn’t some fucking phase. This is my life in its entirety – and I’m feeling eternally void and very much alone. If life is not enough, I reckon death would be..”
She didn’t say a word. She just looked at him and reached for his hand. They sat there in silence.
*
“Where have you been, Ade?” she asked him when he came home after he went missing for two days. She tried her hardest to do so calmly and not show the anguish inside her that was so close to bursting out. His eyes were fixated to an invisible dot on the rug underneath his feet. Instead of answering, he got up from the sofa, walked into the bathroom, and locked himself there for hours afterwards.
*
“Ade, what is happening? Why are you mad all the time? Who are you talking to when you think I’m not around?” she confronted him one evening, after weeks of awkward situations and his inexplicable changes. He ignored her questions and walked past her as if no one was there. She felt a stab in her heart as she realised that she was slowly losing him.
V
Metamorphosis//The Truth
[met-uh-mawr-fuh-sis] –noun, plural -ses
Definition: a transformation; a striking change in appearance or character or circumstances; turning into something else.
Ade’s curiosity had brought him to a new level of dissatisfaction. His spiritual interest had slowly grown and gained control of his time. He started to dig deeper, continue his search backward in time, spend his days rummaging through old texts and stories.
One day, Ade found an old paper about a pact with the devil, entitled Pact Ink for Devils and Spirits. Pact ink, the earliest was noted in the 14th century, is the specially prepared ink that a contract with the devil must be written in.
Recipes: Pact Ink for Devils and Spirits
- Gall nuts – 10 ounces (280 g)
- Roman Vitriol or Green Copperas (ferrous sulphate) – 3 ounces (85 g)
- Rock alum – 3 ounces (85 g)
- Gum arabic – 3 ounces (85 g)
He found the topic so amusing, he did a thorough research on the subject. Ade became so consumed with his study. He spent late nights at the library in his office. He ignored everything else as he felt so close to deciphering the secret to everything. He could feel it in his guts.
Then he found it. How to sign a deal with the devil. It was a very ancient ritual. So ancient, it might just work, Ade thought.
The ritual required Ade to prepare a specific set of rare things that took him months to collect. Once he had everything on the list, Ade checked in at a hotel in the Old City and was finally ready to do the ritual. This was the day Ade was working so hard for. This, he felt, was the door that would lead him to his ultimate goal.
That night, Ade met the Devil. It came from the shadows and appeared without a sound.
*
Ade opened his eyes the next morning and found himself laying on the dusty carpet in the hotel room. He blinked. All of a sudden, memories of the night before rushing through his mind, flooding his thoughts, filling him with rage and fear and terror. Ade realised the enormity, and along with that, the consequences, of what he had found: Ade had found the Absolut Truth.
Ade knew he was slowly changing, though he was unsure what he was turning into. He couldn’t quite put his finger on it. He knew it was there, in his bones, in his minds; it got stronger with every passing heart beat. He knew, but he didn’t care. He didn’t think it mattered because in the process of gaining knowledge, he was losing the ability to feel. He was neither appalled nor scared. He saw the world and it wasn’t what it used to be. But that’s only because he was not what he used to be. He had changed, and there was no going back. It didn’t matter how much he wanted to, he couldn’t. There was no turning back now that his past had been erased: it no longer existed. His present was only temporary, so the future was all he had. But he might not be here another day, so he was stuck being like that today. Unfortunately, every day was today. And when enough time had passed by, his metamorphosis was complete. Ade had turned evil… and he didn’t even know it.
VI
The Big Pause
Thy had died out of a heart condition.
Thy
had
died.
*
Days after her death, Ade found out that a long time ago, Thy received a letter from the government, asking her to partake in the immortality procedure, but she had rejected the offer.
VII
Ade’s Absolut Truth: A Monologue
I loathe this kind of silence. It reeks of sadness and despair. My sadness and despair, of losing you. I don’t want serenity, nor peace and quiet. What good is anything if not built with chaos, filled with explosions of each instance? You’re gone, yet you’re everywhere. I see a little bit of you in everything. It doesn’t matter you’re no longer here, because it was never about the flesh, because what you can see doesn’t matter. I love you, but I do not love you with my heart – I have none. More than that: I love you with the entire existence of my being.
There’s something I had kept from you; something I have never had the courage to tell. I found the Absolut Truth, about the world, about our existence, about everything. Everyone’s looking for answers, and I have them. What they don’t realise is that finding the answer is not the answer. It’s not a solution, let alone a closure. Because knowing everything isn’t equal to understanding it.
This is what I have found: that we, my dear Thy, are two fictional characters in a story. You and I are merely fiction. Do you remember the days when you thought I went crazy? That was after I found out that we are not real. Do you remember how breath-taking the sky was on the day we met? It was only a sentence. One fucking sentence. How many letters did it take to build me, I wonder?
Our Author is our Creator, Thy. And those who read our story, our readers, are the ones who give us meaning. Surely you can understand, truth of this magnitude was hard to swallow. It negates everything I have ever believed in. I was frustrated because I had no control over anything. I was mad because our Author decided to write you off. Why did He take you away from me? I thought of getting back at Him somehow, but quickly realised it was futile. As long as He is still writing, our options are His options, our decision is His decision. We’re the puppets whose fate rests in the hands of our master.
Just like Sisyphus, I can choose to be an absurd hero: by acknowledging the truth and accepting the absurd. Fortunately, unlike Camus did Sisyphus, our Author gave me an ability to grasp the world differently. Thus, I spent weeks thinking about everything, and found a loophole in this contract called fiction.
Our Author’s control over this fictitious world is only limited to letters, words, sentences. One day, sooner or later, He will have to end this story. And when He does, I will be free. He has no control over what goes on after “the end”. In our world, the “end” actually applies to His existence more than mine, because where He ends is where I begin. I will continue to live, for as long as anyone reads this and remembers me. I know He won’t kill my character, because He needs me to live and suffer, because that is the meaning of my entire existence, the whole point of his story. And as He is writing this, He knows I am right.
Do you know what’s funny about the whole thing, Thy? You lived life as if you already knew all of this. I may have claimed to be god in this story, but you were the hero. You were far more real to me than anything I have ever come across in the world–but it didn’t surprise me that you were a fiction: you were just too good to be true.
EPILOGUE
One, two plugs, and the world slowly, but surely, disappears. Another world enters, almost without a pause. Then it starts to rain. Drops of water chasing each other, racing to be embraced by gravity, moving against their will. The rain reminds Ade of the dance he used to do with Thy. In his mind, they dance and dance, covered by the light grey sky, deafened by the roaring thunders, enveloped by the wind, until finally they’re splattered flat on the ground and become one with the droplets, the wet grass, the earth, when the Author puts the dot to what become the final words:
The End.
*************
All I am, all I ever was.
*************
(This is me, letting go of the world I once knew, setting it, and thus myself, free.)
2011 – 2018
Delusions of Grandeur 