I don’t give 100% when I do this thing that I love. I give more. I sacrifice things, big or small, in order to thrive in this thing. I realize it has been a while since my last girls night out, dinner together with my ex-Bournemouth friends, or time well spent with my family. Having said that, I also realize that everything in this mortal world we live in comes with a price. If time for others is the sacrifice I should make, so be it. I never hold back. All or nothing at all. I never thought of doing it any other way. I don’t know any other way. Of course, I can always choose to do just adequate, thus giving me extra free time to at least be able to have some sort of a normal social life. But it’s just not who I am. When I’m hitting a ball it better be a homerun. It would be pointless to have otherwise. I’m not saying effort does not count. I’m just saying I aim high in life.

I bitch sometimes about this thing that I love. Bitch, but never complain, never regret, never doubt. But somehow, the latter was broken today. At first I got pissed. Then annoyed. Then came the doubt. Is all this trouble even worth it? All this effort, this thriving for the best suddenly seemed overrated. If this thing is anything like the pattern in my love life, the next thing to come would be the great oblivion. The insides of me would go full throttle and on the outside I would appear less invested. In time, I will be bored. And all that chain reaction was simply caused by a major disappointment that was triggered by one minor thing. To have given everything only to find out that everything is still not good enough.

” Nothing is funnier than unhappiness … it’s the most comical thing in the world.”
- Nell in Endgame (by Samuel Beckett)

I should have put a question mark at the end of the title. ‘Cause, really, this is more of a question than a statement. When do you stop wanting more? As normal godforsaken human beings, you will want more. Maybe you have raised this question within yourself and thought, or promised, you’d stop when you get that perfect job, perfect flat, or perfect guy you want. ‘Cause you thought you knew that when you do get it you’d feel happy, fulfilled, or enough.

But you don’t.

Every fucking time.

And please don’t confuse this with not being grateful. Wanting more does not equal being ungrateful. People can be grateful and still want more. This is not a fucking equation, so those “maybe you’re not grateful enough” just don’t add up. There’s a correlation, yes, but it’s not cause-and-effect.

However, I do realize that there is a good side to this. You’ll only improve when you want more. It’s the only way you can get better in life. Or worse. Whatever. At least you’re moving towards something.

There are just so many options to choose from. How do you settle with just one?

This applies to relationships more than anything. Its most appalling form: marriage. The idea of marriage scares the hell out of me. And again, please don’t confuse this with having commitment issue. People can commit to something, yet still want more. Do you realize what commitment is? An act or course of action that is demanded of one, as by position, custom, law, or religion. In some philosophies of mind, a commitment is thought of functioning slightly differently from a belief. One may be committed to a proposition in the sense of relying on it, or using it to structure explanation and prediction, but entirely in an instrumentalist spirit, and therefore without supposing it to be true. It’s a fucking pragmatic theory which validity being determined by the success of the action. Or in other word, gambling.

Oh shit, but life is all about gambling isn’t it? Rolling the dice, hitting the cards, without having any knowledge of the result. It makes sense, but still doesn’t answer the first and foremost question: how do you stop wanting more?

I guess you just don’t. And you’ll just have to learn to deal with it.

The build up, lasted for days
Lasted for weeks. Lasted too long

Our hero, withdrew. When there was two,
he could not choose one. So there was none
Worn into the vaguely announced

The spinning top made a sound,
like a train across the valley
Fading, oh so quiet. But constant ’til it passed,
over the ridge, into the distances
Written on your ticket
To remind you where to stop
And when to get off

The Build Up – Kings of Convenience

I want something I can never have. It’s bullshit, right? I know I should be realistic right about now. But what fun does it give me? It’s useless crap people force themselves to take because it’s the “right” thing to do. Or maybe the easiest. I don’t know. It’s total bullshit which I refuse to accept. Ah, fuck it. All this is about delusions of grandeur anyway. I’m not saying I’m delusional or anything. Well, maybe a little bit. But life is how you choose to perceive the world, not the other way around. Huh, if you thought of it that way, turns out we’re the mental ones after all.

I am tempted by passion, get into trouble for passion, and get hurt by it. I am a lot of things rolled into one. I am never alone, I am so fucking infatuated with my own mind. I am too fucking free inside, the world just can’t keep up. I am not interested in getting the things I need, the ones I want are the reason I keep going. I don’t stop, I don’t slow down. I’m burning and exploding, and there is no need anyone should know the reason why.

My head is pounding, my heart is thumping so heavily I’m suffocating. But just like everything else, this will slowly fade away. The fact that its presence was once there is enough.

He’s happy, healthy, smoking, and still an atheist. Welcome back, Jeff :)

The first time I found out you stopped making videos, I was gobsmacked. Then I got confused. Were thousands -me being one of them- who loved your videos don’t amount to those idiots that annoyed the hell out of you? “I know you’re tired of people. I’m tired of people.” We all are tired with each other. So what the hell?! I thought you loved making videos just for the sake of it.

Oh well, this is more of a ranting than a begging for you to come back. For you, we only exist virtually anyway. We are Internet-dependent beings. Nothing about us is real, now is there?

http://www.youtube.com/user/azrienoch

” … because that’s how things go in real life. Good people die. Things are never fair. And love does not conquer all. For life is often a crueler tyrant than Kings.”
- Azrienoch – Once Again: The Princess Story

Shove that in your pipe and smoke it!

I just promised myself to never forget the excitement. To never betray the madness that makes my heart beat. To never be common. To never ever abandon the fact that youth happens only once, and it happens fast. To live and let live. To explode. To exaggerate each moment. To never, ever slow down.

“The only people for me are the mad ones, the ones mad to live, mad to talk, mad to be saved, desirous of everything at the same time, the ones who never yawn or say a commonplace thing but burn, burn, burn like fabulous roman candles exploding like spiders across the stars and in the middle you see the blue centerlight pop and everybody goes ‘Awww’.”
-Jack Kerouac (On the Road)