Here’s the thing.
The problem is not because I don’t know what I want, it’s because I do. I want everything. I want the world. Not only that it is selfish, arrogant, and unrealistic, it is also hurting me. But I have chosen this road a long time ago. It sure is a lonely and possibly idiotic one.. but it is what it is.
Somewhere along that road, I somehow decided that feelings are bullshit. They get in the way of things and are the ultimate source of problems. And so I learned to master my feelings. You might think it is not humanely possible or that I sound like fucking Yoda, but it’s the truth. I have been learning to separate the things I want to feel and ones I want to dismiss, choosing the feelings I want to show and those I’d like to keep hidden. Do you want to know how that makes me feel in general? I feel fucking evil and just oh so goddamn exhausted. And with all this shit going on right now, I’m just furious all the time, and because I’m furious I’m tired, and because I’m tired I can’t be bothered.
Because trying to be strong is bullshit.
Because being stoic has taken its toll.
Because getting intoxicated no longer helps.
Because I’m so fucking tired of pretending I’m okay when, in fact, I’m not even remotely close to being somewhat okay.
And sadly, saying these things out loud does not make anything any better either.
And the irony of it all is that I know I shouldn’t feel what I’m feeling because I realise that whatever it is I’m in right now is exactly where I belong. I asked for it, thus I deserve this. I just didn’t think it would hurt this bad. So here’s me, throwing in the towel. I give up. The world wins, I can’t have everything.
People look at me and they keep saying, “you should live today as if it was your last”. Do they even know what “the last day” is like? Well, I’m living today like it’s my last: fearful and fucking miserable.
Fuckers.
getting intoxicated no longer helps? wow. one thing i’m glad about is to see a new post on your blog, but the giving up part, not really :)
Hey you. Yeah I know, right? I also know that I sound silly and lame, but I’m too tired to care. Hope all’s well with you..
“It’s not that I’m so smart, it’s just that I stay with problems longer.”
~ Albert Einstein
“Never give up on what you really want to do. The person with big dreams is more powerful than one with all the facts.”
“When the world says, “Give up,”
Hope whispers, ‘Try it one more time.”
liked!
though we might have different faith, but I hear you Genechelle… I often feel the same with all the crapshoot fakeness and bullshit protocol and rules and the neverending society expectations … very well articulated!!
Thank you :)