My relationships with men in the past were not always good. (You can cheer to that). I had this thing with breaking up on bad terms. See, it made “forgetting” an easier task for me. But come to think of it, I have never had trouble in forgetting men. I fell in love (that’s the word, yeah, love?), it turned into a relationship, something went wrong (something always went wrong), and before they had a chance to utter the most devastating words of all (i.e., “This is not working”, “Maybe we better off being friends”, “I don’t think I love you anymore”), which I knew they would.. I left/or had rebounds/hurt them purposely. Yeah yeah, I know what you’re thinking: “She’s the devil”. It was because, well, ANYTHING was better than getting myself hurt. Not that I didn’t get hurt in the end, I always did. But at least I know that I was the one responsible for it. I was the one who ended the relationships. And there’s something about being the one who left. It made me sad, still, but it also made me feel like I was less a loser. This is what I do after a break-up: locking myself in my room, avoiding to see anyone, crying my heart out, self deprecating, hating myself, hating my ex.. the whole nine yards. But. It usually only lasts just for several days. A week at worst. After that, I’d be fine like nothing ever happened. Oh wait, I would still hate the guy who had hurt me, though. But other than that, it’s all good.
I’M NO DEVIL, AND THIS IS WHY..
When I’m in a relationship, I don’t hold back my feelings. I don’t lie. I say what I feel. I try my darnest. I’d love the guy it makes my heart ache. Why, you say? So that I won’t have anything to regret when it’s over. I gave my best, it didn’t work. That should be the only explanation there is to it. No any of those “I don’t think I loved him enough”, or “I wasn’t really trying, it’s all my fault” nonsense. Oh noo, I never wanted to blame myself. That’s why I never hold back. There’s a big “BUT” to that, though. I’ll get there in a minute.
WHAT I HATE THE MOST..
is when guys lie. No wait, erase that. I hate bad liars the most. The easiest thing to do is, well not lie. But if you ever feel the need to, do it properly. Like me. I know I’m a good liar. When I lie, these rules apply: 1) Lie only because you really need to. So, no sudden moral battle crap in the end. And creating a good lie is like making a good contract. So, 2) no loopholes. 3) Always back your story up. Don’t just do one backup, do two or three. Lying is an art. You have to be prepared. 4) Do it carefully. Do it smart. And 5) once you lie about something, never, ever crack. Admission is forbidden. Such hard work, huh? It’s easier not to lie, isn’t it? Haha. Anyway, like I said, I hate it when guys lie, more if they’re doing it badly. There’s this sentence I read: “People lie because the truth hurts”. Oh, effing bs. I would prefer getting hurt by the truth on any given day. If ever during any of my past relationship my ex suddenly lost his feeling/interest towards me and he said: “I don’t love you anymore”, I could totally accept that. It’d still hurt, but I know feeling is something you can’t really control. You don’t really choose who you love. The heart does what it wants. I get it. But to lie? Worse, to lie and get caught? Oh God, such tossers!
Here comes THE BIG BUT..
Okay, I know I said I never lie when I love someone, yet I also told you I’m a good liar. Well, both of them are true. I never lied to any of my ex-boyfriends when the relationship was going well. BUT. When everything turned sour or I caught them lying or I sensed he started losing interest yet said nothing to me, that’s when everything changed. To be exact, that’s when I changed. See, I have this ability of loving someone deeply, but when something bad happens, I can turn that love to hatred *snapping fingers* just like that. I know it sounds like a bunch of bs, but it’s true. By the time I know he lies, that’s when I stop giving a damn.
THE DEAL BREAKER
I have a rule when it comes to relationships. Cheating is a deal breaker for me. If I caught my guy cheated on me, then that’s it, it’s over. No explanation needed. I would leave him in a new york minute.
OH WELL..
I know I’m effing imperfect. Oh geez, I’m far from that. And maybe all those things I just wrote make me seem like such a bad girl, oh but seriously, I’m not as bad as it sounds. Lol. In terms of relationships, I can be a good girlfriend, a really good one at that, but only, and if only, the guy I’m with is as devoted as I am. But when he lies/cheats/starts to act like a jerk, I can’t really seem to see the point why I should stay and act like everything is fine. I’m yet able to love someone unconditionally, I guess.
But, if what I do is a crime, I would most definitely plead: not guilty. It was all an act of self defense.
Lol. I’m going to go sip my Kir Royale now, and cheer to all good men out there. If there’s still any.
2 Comments
October 4, 2008 at 8:48 pm
I read this entry and my jaw dropped because you expressed who I am, and what I am going through once again in a relationship that is sinking fast. I wondered if I was the one who was perhaps destroying this relationship after all, and not the cheating boyfriend who is the target of my hostility. I found your blog after I had googled “it was all an act” in relationships looking for something that would explain how my boyfriend uses explosive anger and tantrums to stop me from bringing up any conversation between us in order for me to work through the pain in my gut from his betrayal of my trust. I am truly trying to open up dialogue – in what I believe has been an attempt, however poorly executed, to create a safe place where we can talk about this stuff. He won’t have it if it is at an “inappropriate time” of day – say at the end of a nice weekend when we are both relaxed and have had a couple of drinks. But it’s gotten to the point where that’s the only time I can bring anything up because I fear his reaction, his response – I can’t talk about this painful stuff when I’m sober any more – I have to be high or drunk. That sucks.
It’s been 14 months of heaven and hell. It’s like this relationship has been sent by express delivery to me, with the assignment: “all of your past fuck-ups will be incorporated into this one relationship. Your assignment is to see if you’ve learned anything you idiot.” It took a while for me to recognize this, but I have. I guess I’m a bit slow. I am a bit too trusting still. I am not so jaded and bitter – yet (and I’m getting there I’m afraid) – that I do not believe that there might be someone out there who actually might cherish the trust that is the cement of any relationship. I have not found that person yet. And now, like you, I hate the one I loved so much and so freely. I hate him. I hate that he went to sex clubs, had unprotected sex, and never once told me about it. I hate that I had to find out on my own from some evidence of an entrance slip with the name of a well-known gay sex club in his bathroom right on the counter (kind of an obvious place to leave it – he was trying to tell me something of course). I hate that with this piece of paper with a date stamped on it I confronted him, and he looked me right in the eyes and said, “I don’t know what that is, or how that got there. Maybe it’s yours.” I hate that when he finally fessed up, he had no remorse, no regrets, no feelings about it, and truly does not understand why I’m making “such a big issue out of this – it was just anonymous sex”.
Perhaps he’s right. Perhaps you are right as well. I needed to make this a deal breaker from outset. I would not have to waste my time making his life miserable through my passive/aggressive anger. There is no point in punishing a cheater who has no feeling of remorse. I am wasting my time, and only making my own life more miserable. That’s why I loved reading your blog entry – you made me realize that I am stuck between the “things are going great” part and the “it’s over because he fucked this up” part – I cannot let go. I cannot move on. I refuse to look down at the last paragraph of this story that is my current life because I don’t want to read the unhappy ending. I’m getting older, and perhaps I’m so afraid of being alone this time. He was perfect in every other way. In my mid forties and he’s in his early fifties, I think ‘oh shit, not again – this cannot be happening to me again.” But it is. It is what it is. I need to shit or get off the pot. A friend once said, “Hun, come down off that cross because somebody may need the wood!” In a funny way you have helped me see what it is I need to do. Thank you for that.
Jim (a gay and hopeless romantic who still doesn’t fully get it).
October 5, 2008 at 1:08 am
Jim, I feel for you. I can imagine the frustration. I’m not an expert in relationships, though now I really wish I were, so I can come up with something clever to say. But I can only hope everything works out for you. You deserve to be happy, yeah?
Try reading Life/Illusion (on my blogroll – right side of the page) if you have the chance. He demystifies relationships way better than me ;)
Take it easy, Jim! This, too, shall pass!